


click

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aromantic, Coffee Shops, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Not YouTubers, Fluff, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, In Vino Veritas, M/M, Mutual Pining, Soulmate AU: Eye Color, Strangers to Lovers, cinema date, not dan and phil tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:01:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24422437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Most people are born with two different eye colours; the moment you make eye contact with your soulmate that changes. Ellis doesn't have a soulmate and Dan has given up on findings his.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. the pull

**Author's Note:**

  * For [joanafloureiro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joanafloureiro/gifts).



Dan thought working outside was a great idea. Well, he didn’t, at first. Whenever people advised him to work in coffee shops, he used to roll his eyes.

“The new environment will help you, I swear. It changed my life,” his friend sipped his bubble tea briefly and the pearls moved around the cup. “The coffee helps too.”

“I already drink coffee while I’m working,” Dan waved his cup gently, making the coffee inside it almost slop over the rim.

“Well, does it help?” Ellis wasn’t trying to help him anymore, the moment he understood Dan’s bias he wanted to get over it as quickly as possible. He was convincing him now.

“I’m not sure if it does anything actually,” the sun is high up in the sky and the glass that touches his shoulder is too hot, but he doesn’t move away. The coffee shop is too loud and its attempt to be bright and colourful makes his eyes hurt, but he’s not having a bad day so it doesn’t bother him too much. “I guess it wakes me up a bit,” he mutters, defeated.

When he thinks of working in a coffee shop, all he can think of is the annoying, ear-piercing noise of dishes clinking around and everyone looking at him, judging and whispering. Even though there is someone working at that moment, just a table away from him, and he’s not judging them. He hadn’t even given them a thought until then.

“Maybe you should go for it. See if it works…” Ellis glanced back at the person working right when Dan decided he would try it. Just for the sake of it, “cutie?”

“No,” It comes out urgently despite his intentions . Ellis’ surprised expression makes him take a step back, “He’s cute just not… I don’t know, not my type, I guess.”

They were completely hypnotized by their own work and their eyes haven’t left their laptop the entire morning. Until now. Ellis turned his body to Dan almost at the same speed as Dan’s stare left the poor person who was solely trying to work. They look at each other, trying not to laugh.

“What a mess, honestly,” Ellis chuckles lowly and it brings warmth to his heart. He’s thankful for having him.

He tried it, he did. Not only that, but he tried to make the best out of it too.

He spent at least ten minutes of his day restlessly searching through the internet, trying to find a coffee shop that was small enough to not attract too many people, one that was far enough that no coworker could recognize him there — even though he’s not supposed to think about that, according to his therapist. Still, it’s London, it can’t get much better.

The coffee shop is darker than the one where Ellis usually takes him. The light brown bricks on the wall have a cosy atmosphere around them and it feels fancier too. Dan notices they don’t sell bubble tea and a faint sadness tinges his heart when he realises Ellis wouldn’t be able to work here beside him.

The line isn’t too long, just around five people. A woman with frizzy brown hair and wrinkles on her face taps the screen quickly while attending customers and Dan wonders exactly how much time she needed to be that practical.

He had been staring for so long that someone had ordered and needed to leave. They didn't look too happy with the three seconds Dan took to understand what was happening.

"Oh, sorry.”

He hears the constant buzz of conversation and decides it’s better than the roar of a crowd. It doesn’t matter if it gets under his skin during bad days, he has finally found a space where he can work and he’s going to cherish it. After a cup of coffee.

The person in front of him takes a step forward, so he can finally see that the lady with frizzy hair has a name tag that says "Amelia" and the murmurs start to annoy him. There are still two people in front of him and every order lasts an eternity. Maybe he’s not going to have a good time here at all.

A door opens behind her and a man walks into the room.

He has to look down before tapping anything, it reminds him of his mum on her phone. It takes a little bit longer but it doesn’t bother Dan, he appears calm and collected and it makes Dan feel like that too. Time feels slower all of a sudden and he doesn’t mind the chit chat and small talk, he notices how charismatic he is and questions how many friends he’s found because of this job. The person in front of him takes a step forward and the name tag on his chest says “Phil”. It fits him.

Opposite to the previous person, the person in front of him isn’t a regular, but Phil talks to them in the same charming way. They take a bit longer and he smiles apologetically at the end of line as the client looks up to decide what they want to order. He had pretty blue eyes.

A woman comes out of the same room Phil had, her dark blue apron matching his and Amelia’s, and she takes Phil’s place with a nod. It reminds him of a choreography that has been practised for a long time.

“Can I help you?” she had pretty dark brown eyes that looked right into his and she talked calmly, like the other workers. Her name tag said “Quinn”. Dan wondered if someone as socially anxious as him would ever be able to work in a place like this.

He was so focused on making up stories for every face he saw, imagining how he could be the friendliest possible to the people who would probably have to tolerate him for months and zoning out, he forgot he had to order something.

“Uh… I’m not sure,” and  _ of course _ he couldn’t have said the first thing that came to mind, he had to embarrass himself first.

While he concentrated and pleaded for his brain to figure out the name of any beverage, Quinn gestured to the menu behind her. The first word he saw was “TEA”, right above “GREEN”. He didn’t even like green tea.

Quinn doesn’t react to Dan’s sudden passion for green tea, or maybe he’s too slow to catch it.

He’s not the best at taking care of his laptop’s battery. He will often forget to remove the charger days and days on end and leave the house while the monitor is on. He’s not the best.

So, when he saw that most tables are distributed around the coffee shop like dots on a dress and there are only four plugs, he almost turned around, kept the mug and let the green tea go cold.

“Hi… Sorry… Can I…?” and of course he had to forget how sentences are formed.

A guy sat at a table for four. He had his laptop open and his hand supported his head. There was an unused plug beside him. He didn’t look up when Dan talks to him and it makes little needles of anxiety poke his heart.

“Hey,” he says, louder than before. 

The man’s bright eyes look up, but his head stays lowered, “sorry?”

“Can I sit here? There aren’t many plugs around and you don’t seem to be using it so I was wondering. Obviously it’s fine if you don’t want to because you  _ could  _ use it soon and that would be perfectly fine I’m just wondering because taking more tables would be… Yeah,” the ground might swallow him whole if he continues, so he doesn’t.

“Sure,” a deep breath leaves him.

His name is Isaac. 

They talk over the evening, words bouncing off one another’s. The green tea makes him feel fuzzy so he orders coffee. Multiple cups of it. He devours them without even feeling it and Isaac does too. He has never been as aware of the blood running through his veins as he is now.

There are breaks sometimes, it isn’t just talking and no work. Well, almost. They stop talking for five minutes, laughing about the sudden pause that’s almost always started by Isaac and type abnormally fast. This isn’t of much productiveness, but it makes Dan feel good about being here, takes the pressure off him. He feels awake.

The conversation flows nicely, even if sometimes he feels like he’s saying the wrong thing. There’s the excitement of talking to someone for the first time he hadn’t felt in a while and he’s just trying to be the best perfect version of himself for a few hours. That’s why, when Isaac asks for his number, he’s terribly confused.

It’s not that he doesn’t necessarily want to be friends, but, until now, he viewed the conversation as an exercise. As an encouragement to go out more and improve his social skills. Getting comfortable would mean destroying a new-found charismatic version of himself he didn’t want to let go of. 

He wasn’t expecting an actual friendship, but he still says yes. 

It’s slower after that. They work more. Dan realises his hesitancy slipped through the cracks of the wall he was building the entire evening and can’t think of any interesting topic to fix it.

He decides three things in ten seconds: he’s not going to let him become his close friend, he’s going to keep his boundaries secure and he’s not going to be the first to stand up and leave.

“Bye, Dan. Loved talking to you,” he says, some time after Dan’s promise to himself has been made, with a smile on his face, and Dan feels a bit of the bitterness leave him. It appears genuine. Isaac didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just irritated.

Still, it’s awkward. That doesn’t leave him. He doesn’t know when to leave and staying for longer made things slower and  _ more  _ awkward. Fearing Isaac waiting for him at the door, for no reason. So he hides in the coffee shop. Answering emails like he’s in a rush and didn’t do work all day, like he didn’t waste the entire evening. Why would he stay and wait for Dan?

Dan stays until he can’t.

“We’re closing.”

He looks up, embarrassed and scared. It’s the employee he had seen when he arrived. He’s attractive, but he can’t remember his name. Words get stuck deep in his throat for a moment.

“...Yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” that also appears genuine.

“I’m going now.”

The worker is still looking at him and his figure reminds him of a statue. His headphones and wires get tangled because of his rush and the persistent gaze of a stranger doesn’t help  _ at all _ . His eyes are blue. Dan looks up and politely smiles at him, he seems to get the message and leaves, but not before smiling apologetically.

Dan nods at him before leaving and Phil gives him a tight smile.

Outside, the sky is darker than he thought it would be and there’s more movement. The people of London bump into each other less than a weekday, but eight p.m. always comes with movement. Thinking of the packed bus he’s about to get into makes him nauseous.

Phil is closing the door when Dan looks back for the last time. 

His apartment felt so lonely he almost shouts “I’m home!” to see if anyone would answer. Every day, the walls seem to get smaller and smaller and the clothes on the floor seem to scatter themselves further away from each other whenever he leaves to look the messiest possible. He drops his black bag on his black couch and makes himself pasta for dinner.

His mum used to tell him eating and watching TV at the same time would mess him up. She never really explained why and he never cared enough to ask; maybe that’s why the couch is so dirty.

He looks at himself properly for the first time since he left a few hours ago and something seems off, like his face melted a bit. Maybe a new mole? His dimple seemed the same and everything looked in place. His jawline looked fine from the right side but from his left… Oh.

“Oh, God,” sleepiness squeezed his voice and his heart jumped in his chest.

“Oh, God,” he was more awake now, the revelation hitting him nearly a thousand times since it happened.

“What happened? Just tell me,” Ellis sounded tired and exasperated, he might as well have screamed at him with that tone of voice, but Dan kind of deserved it. They had been talking for two entire minutes but he couldn’t get it out. All knowledge of words other than “oh” and “God” were completely eradicated from his brain.

“My eyes are different.”

A beat, “Yeah… That’s the whole point.”

“No, you don’t get it. They’re  _ different _ ,” he focuses on his ragged breathing for a second.

“I’m not sure I’m following.”

“Ellis. Ellis…” he squeezes his eyes and hugs his knees tighter, feeling the bed behind him. “My eyes are brown. Both of them.”

“Oh. Oh, that’s great! Are you okay? Do you want me to go there? Who is it? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but, you know. I would still like to know,” Ellis’ laugh from the other side of the line comforts him, even if it isn’t the most authentic.

“Thank you. I…”

When he doesn’t finish, Ellis says: “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. Especially not today, I guess.”

“What did you do today?” he can feel  _ the question  _ forming under Ellis’ tongue for the second time, but he still doesn’t want to answer.

“I found a coffee shop like you told me to and I worked there,” Ellis stayed silent. “But this guy kept distracting me. Well, not really. We talked the whole evening, it wasn’t his fault. It got kind of awkward at the end, that was my fault. I’m not sure if it’s him.”

“Did you talk to anyone else?” Dan shifts where he sits, unsure of exactly  _ how much _ eye contact would make his eyes go back to their original color.

“No?”

“Are you asking me?”

“No. No, I didn’t.”

“Well—,” in a rushed tone his afterthought tumbled out, “Please tell me you got his number.”

“I did. I got his number,” a sigh.

“Of course this would happen to you…” his voice sounds shaky and it makes Dan want to cry. “Like, meeting a  _ rando  _ and not even noticing. You’re a mess.”

“Wow, thanks,” he makes an effort to sound dry but it comes out just as shaky as Ellis’.

“Do you want me to go there?”

Dan’s voice comes out impossibly quiet and Dan’s room feels impossibly devoid of any colour or presence when he says, “would you mind?”

It’s three a.m. and they’ve tiptoed around the topic for too long. It started with Dan suggesting food for comfort (or politeness, or whatever) and Ellis giving him the space to talk whenever he wants to (like he always does). It escalated to unusual procrastinating.

An emotional energy pulled them up and down constantly throughout the conversation and they never really touched on it until it was too late for Ellis to go back home. Both on Dan’s bed, Ellis on his phone, Dan staring at the ceiling. Feeling like he was eighteen again. Minus all the stress of being asked when he thought he was going to meet his soulmate and the weight of “almost an adult” on his shoulders.

Ellis was born with two hazel eyes. This wasn’t particularly unusual, but it was different. He was the first person Dan met that did not have a soulmate. Dan thought his indifference towards this was fascinating.

“It took me a while to get it but I do now, it doesn’t really matter.”

“Get what?”

“I can do whatever I want. My plans will never get interrupted by meeting  _ that _ person. I don’t know. I don’t have to worry about it, it’s kinda cool, to be honest. The worst part is the response I get.”

“What do you mean?”

“The dirty looks… Everything. Sure, it happens to tons of people but, statistically, not really.”

He talked about it in such a calm tone, Dan felt a bit of that peace as well during the most confusing time of his life. In his eyes, finding his soulmate as soon as possible (even though his mum had restlessly told him he can’t  _ force  _ those things and it’ll happen when it does) was the most important thing in his life. But here was Ellis, with his eyes stuck to the TV, playing video games just as well as he did when he wasn’t talking about something so vital and nerve wracking as his soulmate.

Dan lost the game that day and it was the first day he did. Ellis was happy and joked about how all this training was going to make him the best in the world when Dan left. There was a shift.

He’s not sure if Ellis noticed it or not, but there was. He focused on himself and listened. He couldn’t force meeting his soulmate and it would happen when it does. Now that it had, and they have four eyes of the same colour between them, Dan fears another shift. 

Change is scary and dangerous.

“So? Do you want to talk about it or go to sleep? I’m here for you, whatever you want to do,” the way his phone was lazily dropped on his chest reminded him of when he was eighteen again too much. It made his heart ache a bit more.

“What’s there to say?”

“Whatever you want to say… If you do,” Dan stayed silent. “Do you like him?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know…” Ellis gave him space to talk (like he always does) and he did. “I did like him. He’s handsome and nice and funny. Whatever.”

“But?”

“But is this what it’s supposed to feel like? Everyone’s story is like… I knew. They knew, Ellis. They were sure. I wasn’t even sure who it was. Hell, I’m not even sure who it is now.”

“Maybe your story is different, that’s not a bad thing. You could be on the news or something.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh, “on the news?”

“Sure, you’re charismatic,” Ellis clears his throat and puts on his best journalist voice. He grabs Dan’s water bottle that was long lost between their feet and holds it like a microphone. “Here we are with Daniel Howell, the first man who doesn’t know who his soulmate is after the Switch has happened. Daniel, how are you feeling?”

“Ellis,” he’s smiling. “I’m serious.”

Ellis digresses, tossing the bottle to the floor. Dan feels the bed dip beside him when Ellis lays down once again.

“Do you remember what colour his eyes were?”

“No,” and he didn’t. The more he tried to concentrate on it the blurrier it got. Ellis took a deep breath.

“It’s fine, yeah? If you don’t like him, you could always not be with him.”

“That’s not how it’s supposed to go,” purple clouds bloom under his eyelids. He wants to shout that Ellis doesn’t understand, that his whole life has been made easier for him and the absence of a soulmate is a gift, but he can’t. It wouldn’t be the truth. “Everyone has  _ known  _ their soulmate. Everyone has  _ liked _ their soulmate.”

“So, you don’t like him,” he doesn’t sound bitter or confused, like he’s trying to keep up when Dan wants to run as fast as he can with the topic.

“I don’t know, I don’t think I liked him… like that.”

“Sure.”

“Sure?”

“They’re your feelings, mate. Can’t argue with that,” Ellis starts to hide under the covers, yawning, and Dan gets it.

“I’m just not sure and I don’t think that’s normal.”

“You’ll figure it out,” he’s muffled by the covers and only the features above his eyes are visible now, Dan  _ should  _ have gotten it by now.

They’re silent for a bit, Dan hearing Ellis breathe, convinced he’s asleep.

“I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“Yeah, you should start paying me actually.”

“You’re right, I’m gonna look into that,” Ellis smiles at that and Dan leaves him sleeping to fill his bottle in the kitchen.

There were rules. That was inescapable and undeniable.

Some people reported memories of an event they’ve never been to but their partner has, others had visions, some people date for fun  _ knowing _ it’s not going to end well. Nonetheless, there was a fundamental truth to it all.

A body that is born with two different eye colours will always find their soulmate at any point before death. They shall cherish each other romantically and die unseparated. This may come with hardships but, ultimately, no one has ever felt the need or want to permanently cut off their soulmates out of their lives. 

The ceiling seemed more and more interesting as the time passed. What started as a plain surface was now an irregular area full of patterns and intricate textures. It’s five a.m. and absolutely everything was coming back to him. Grandma’s wise words, mum’s persistent lectures, every time the word “soulmate” was mentioned at school…

_ This _ was the first day of the rest of his life.

Ellis had dance class in the morning, of course he had. He was a functional human being that had hobbies and things outside of work and stress. So Dan was left alone with a number, questions and confusion.

If Isaac had noticed already, why did he not call Dan? He had walked from the front door to the laundry room so many times his right hip must have a bruise and the counter must have a dent by now. And, God, it  _ hurt _ .

“Hey. _Hey.,_ ” he rehearsed voices like they were clothes to try on. “This isn’t going to work.”

But, like Ellis said, he’s going to like you anyway. You’re soulmates, right? This is easy.

“Hello?” Isaac’s voice sounded exactly the same as it did yesterday and it shocked Dan for no reason.

“Hello? Hello? Dan, are you there?” and there was absolutely  _ no _ reason for him to be scared of his own name coming out of Isaac’s mouth like he didn’t type it on his phone himself. And no reason for him to be shaking.

“Yeah, hi. It’s me, can you hear me?”  _ why wouldn’t he? _

“Dan, you’re worrying me. Are you okay?”

“I-- Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Everything’s fine, I just needed to, uh, to talk to you,” his lungs felt empty and an invisible monster restlessly scratched his throat.

“...Go ahead.”

“Did your eyes change last night?” the corners of his eyes started to get blurry and the room got dark.

He wanted small talk and casualty but when his whole life was in this phone call, it was hard to act natural.

“Like, soulmate thing?”

“Yeah, yeah. Soulmate thing. Switch. You know,” his heart was ready to jump out of his throat.

“That happened a few years ago,” but it hid under his stomach at the last moment.

“Oh,” nothing felt intense. No sadness, no passion, no love. Just confusion.

“Sorry?” he sounded hesitant and confused. Everything was grey and blurry.

“No. I mean, don’t apologise. I just-- Yeah, sorry.”

Dan hung up.

  
  


“You blocked him!? I understand being disappointed but Jesus Christ.” he could only see Ellis’ wide eyes from the way his phone was positioned but his tone gave everything away.

“No point in talking to him anymore. I didn’t really want to in the first place anyway,” he sounded incredibly upset to his own ears, maybe even more upset than he actually was. His camera was turned off.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just not sure where to go from here,” the ceiling started to stare at him as well, as revenge.

“When was the last time you saw your blue eye?”

“Oh, are we doing a “Lost and Found” thing right now? Are we going to step back and analyse the situation like mom told us to do?” he didn’t mean to sound so sarcastic, he didn’t. He was upset and irritated, he fell asleep at five a.m., got nothing done and he was feeling pretty damn useless _. _

He didn’t talk for a few seconds, but then, “I’m trying to help you, Dan.”

He didn’t seem too upset.

“I know, El. Just frustrated, I guess.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“I guess.”

“You keep saying that.”

“What’s there more to say?”

“Who else did you talk to? Who else did you look at?”

“Oh,” and it clicked.

“So?”

“I’m not sure,” he doesn’t want to see Ellis’ disappointed face again if he’s wrong. “I’ll figure it out.”

He avoided it. No one was happy about this.

He forgot his left eye wasn’t blue anymore and the gasp from his mom was very confusing at first; he had to tell her after that and, consequently, the whole family. Explaining to her that he didn’t know  _ exactly _ who it was and he was too scared to find out was hard. She put on that motherly sharp voice she always magically had, said “Daniel!” and Dan felt like he was eight again.

She understood in the end. She still wasn’t happy about it, like any mother would, but she had years of practice and experience on avoiding questions she didn’t want to answer, so visiting the rest of his family that month wasn’t too difficult. 

His dad didn’t care. He was too busy and  _ glad  _ his son had finally just one eye colour; he didn’t bother asking any more questions.

His family, his coworkers, his boss. Even strangers started smiling at him in public.

Ellis was the worst part, though. He couldn’t let it go. Sunday was for his family, then he had to work…

“... But you can’t make an effort to meet your soulmate? This isn’t anyone. This is your soulmate, Dan. The person you’re supposed to spend your life with, aren’t you even a little bit excited to know more about them? I’m sure if you told your boss you need a day to sort things out and explained yourself, she wouldn’t hesitate in letting you,” he tried to sound neutral and calm. Tried because the speed at which he was speaking wasn’t normal for him and he could see his leg bounce up and down out of the corner of his eye.

“If they’re the love of my life, can’t they wait for a bit? I mean we’re gonna end up together anyway, right? Just a matter of time. I think they can wait for the weekend or like… Fate will bring us together or something.”

Ellis opens his mouth to retort, but gives up and words take the form of air, “it’s torture, isn’t it? The poor person’s eyes suddenly change and they don’t know who it is or they know and they can’t talk to you because you can’t be arsed to talk to your  _ soulmate _ . Someone who shares a soul with you is out there and they’re close enough for you to find or even go look for them but you’re  _ frying eggs. _ ”

“Don’t insult my eggs,” the crackling sound that already echoed around the kitchen gets louder, as if agreeing.

“This isn’t about your eggs, Dan,” he just sounds upset now.

“I’m going, I just need the weekend to come, yeah? It’s not a big deal,” he tried to make his voice sound soft and gentle. When Ellis walked into the kitchen with him instead of staying in the living room he knew they were going to talk about this, but he didn’t know it was going to escalate to this level. “I really can’t and I don’t think missing work would help anyone,” he looked back and Ellis was looking out the window next to him. “I don’t want to upset you.”

“You’re not upsetting me,” the sudden eye contact shocked him a bit. “It’s just frustrating because I don’t get it. I don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” maybe they should have this conversation face to face but the sound of frying and food and routine was oddly comforting. Maybe they just knew each other well enough to know what every undertone meant. “I just prefer things to do things this way.”

“I get it… I mean, I don’t but you know. The best I can.”

“Thank you,” he looked back and Ellis was already smiling.

“I’m choosing what we’re watching today.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Yes, I am.”

The bus is as crowded as it always is, if not more. The seats are falling apart and the walls are invaded by ink and imagery. He can see the trees running from him and he almost finds this moment peaceful if it weren’t for the continuous knee pain that hitting the seat in front of him brought. He tries to adjust himself once again, but he’s just too tall.

It’s ten p.m. and he’s trying to go home. The sun is deeply buried under the ground and the blue of the sky mourns its death while the stars close their eyes and wish for him to come back. Dan does the same and wishes upon a star for clarity, peace and his soulmate to come to him. The bus stops. His knees hit the seat in front of him once again and his head hits the window.

He doesn’t feel great, but tries to forget about it. Leans his head back, takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He’s just trying to get home.

He feels the seat beside him dip and he sighs. Preparing himself for small talk, to avoid eye contact, to avoid questions.

It’s the guy who worked at the coffee shop. Black hair, pale skin, prominent cupid’s bow, it’s him. Flesh and blood.

He turns to look at him, smiling politely, and his face drops the second he sees him.

Two blue eyes and a palpitating heart, it clicks.

“Have your eyes changed recently?” he doesn’t mean it to, but it comes out squeaky.

“Yeah… Yeah. Have yours?”

“Yes,” Phil smiles at him and he catches himself lost in it for a few seconds.

“Blue and brown?” oxygen tries to escape his lungs incredibly fast and he doesn’t know how to stop it.

“Oh, God. Hi.”

He’s dizzy and enamoured and he feels like his head is on the  _ moon _ but he manages to answer.

“Hi.” 

Dan has to take a deep breath because the stories were right. It’s like bricks hitting you and the world has suddenly shifted. Flowers bloom all over his body and Dan wonders if Phil can see a single one of them. 

“What’s your name?”

“Phil.”

“Dan,” he can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous the situation is. “Nice to meet you.”

Phil lifts his head up and looks out the window, “I’ll need to go soon, it’s a really short ride. Give me your number, please?” he asks like he’s going to get a no, like Dan might escape if he doesn’t ask as soon as possible.

“Of course,” a magnetic pull, two beings that were destined to be together for eternity.

Dan feels like he belongs here, beside Phil.


	2. the release

His perspective changes, he gets it, like the world has started to spin the other way suddenly and without his permission. It comes with little things: seeing a lady with grey hair and eyes of different colours is devastating now and brown and green haunt him that night. 

He feels like he’s eighteen all over again, but he’s twenty-eight.

At the age of eighteen years old, when everyone was meeting their soulmate at university or finally moving in with them, Dan got Ellis for a roommate.

He wasn’t a bad roommate. Sure, he was messy and they argued sometimes but he still had the decency to know when to leave Dan alone or when to go comfort him when he had a bad day. A thing he picked up after weeks, maybe even days. He respected Dan, but he could not be his soulmate.

Some people tried to argue with them, explain Dan’s brown eye was gonna disappear with time and it was just a mistake that was made. Like they knew more about their relationship than Ellis and Dan. But there was never a mistake and Dan’s original eye colour was brown, like Ellis’.

Phil was attentive and encouraging, but not forceful.

A new level of empathy and awareness he didn’t even know he had hit him.

They started texting, maybe more than they should have, but Dan couldn't help it. This was too good, too surreal, too hard to believe to miss. They talked about music and TV shows and all the things Dan had never spontaneously shared with anyone. It was completely different from what he had with Ellis, apart from the respect and kindness that Ellis and Phil shared. He started wondering if the people who forced Ellis to believe he had a soulmate just wanted to believe that themselves.

He looked at himself in the mirror. Heart beating fast, sweaty palms and all. Let himself take a deep breath and focus on his surroundings. He couldn’t freak out too much, that would ruin it. Just black skinny jeans and a striped sweater. Casual, like Phil said. It’s the least risky thing he could have possibly done and that’s exactly why it’s his best option.

He had to remind himself Ellis was working and calling him once again would be unnecessary, but can’t help imagine how easier it would be if he was here too.

Phil had been the one that, after a week of physical absence, suggested they go to an outdoor cinema. And Dan had accepted, of course. But now that the moment had come and Phil was waiting for him,  _ his soulmate _ was waiting for him, he couldn’t bring himself to leave his room.

It was laughable, he had been waiting for this moment for days but it felt like an eternity and now he couldn’t even show up. His hands trembled and the sweater seemed to choke him with insecurity.

It’s the final step, the final push, the beginning of the beginning. So he does it.

Phil looks gorgeous (and Dan didn’t expect less), the denim jacket he’s wearing enhances his shoulders and his blue eyes remind him of the sky. He’s leaning against a wall close to Dan’s home and Dan can’t help but think he belongs there. He almost wants to run his fingers through his hair  _ just _ to check if he’s real. Phil turns his head away from his phone and notices Dan looking.

“Hi!” he says a little bit too loudly. Dan walks towards him.

“Hi,” he can’t help but smile.

Every metaphor makes sense, the puzzle that fits, crossing a bridge after trying to swim across the river, anything and everything. He gets it. Like he’s a match and Phil’s the fire or whatever. He tries not to be too cheesy in his head, tries to keep the conversation going because he truly is interested in knowing everything about Phil, but he can’t help zoning out. His feelings are too intense to not consider or think about, so he welcomes the silence that arrives when they start to get close to it and appreciates how comfortable everything feels. He’s afraid to speak, afraid to break… something. Phil ends up to be the first one talking.

“Are you okay?” Phils says softly. Their hands brush against each other and everything is so new that Dan feels like he’s flying and he can’t get up from the floor at the same time.

He breathes in, “Yeah, fantastic actually.”

Phil looks at him, he can see it out of the corner of his eye, asking a question. Dan smiles at him silently and Phil has his answer, he means it.

There had never been awkwardness between them since the beginning, just shyness. Mostly from Dan’s part. Now, meeting someone he knew was his soulmate for a date was different and hard to adapt to, but not impossible. That initial shyness was starting to wear off and giddiness quickly took its place.

Being around Phil was easy and fun, something he wouldn’t mind doing every day. The more he spent time with him, the more he looked forward to the future.

They had to stop twice on their way there because Phil could not be alive for one more second without petting the puppies that passed them. The dogs and their owners didn’t seem too annoyed and Dan wasn’t the exception. He didn’t mind watching Phil smile and giggle for so long that his heart started to hurt with affection.

“Do you like salty popcorn?”

“Deep in my heart, I feel like it’s illegal, but I do,” Phil says in an exaggerated hushed tone.

Dan opens his mouth as if in shock and looks around, putting his left hand up, “I mean honestly, why are you still here?” Dan put on a hushed voice just as exaggerated as Phil’s, “I will say this… I like salty popcorn as well.”

“After all these years, Daniel. Why would you betray me like this?”

the line shortens and they have to take a step forward, it starts to worry Dan, “do you actually like salty popcorn?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. So, two small buckets of salty popcorn?”

“We could order a medium and share, it’s cheaper.”

Dan pretends like his stomach doesn’t turn around at that, “we could.”

The bucket ends up positioned on Dan’s right and Phil’s left thigh. He finds out a lot of things about Phil that evening. He’s thirty-three, has a brother but not a car… 

“I remember everyone being homesick at university and wanting to go to their parents' house as frequently as they could but I wanted that  _ independent look _ so bad I stayed in there for years. When I had to, I put myself in really weird situations. Once, I entered this contest to be a mentor on a summer camp but I was nineteen so I couldn’t."

“But you did…?” Phil talked with his hands a lot (and he had slender fingers and pretty nails, but that’s besides the point) and the bucket swung from side to side dangerously. Dan put it on his lap and wrapped his hands loosely around it.

“Yeah! I lied about my age, I said I was twenty.”

“Of course you did,” Phil looked more amused that Dan was paying attention to him than offended at that. Dan quickly found out he was the type of person who would never hurt anyone purposefully but would gladly break the rules for quick satisfaction. The small silence reminded him of the sky again. "How did the independent thing work out? I think my mom would’ve killed me."

The sky beneath them was way darker than it was when they left and the moon smiled at them. At least fifty people sat around them, most of them holding buckets of popcorn similar to theirs. The buzz of conversation didn’t bother Dan, he was lost on his own.

"Not that well. Started living with my roommate for years until they got a girlfriend and kicked me out…" A child dropped their popcorn, all of them scattering across the floor and the loud cry that left his mouth sent at least ten people’s gaze to the scene. Dan was taking his time examining Phil’s profile when he looked back at him with wide eyes caused by the sudden noise. They both laughed before continuing, "I am actually moving into the building next to yours.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” he took a handful of popcorn and took one to put in his mouth with the other. Dan found this odd but was too distracted to joke about it. “I mean I’m still in the middle of everything with furniture and all but if everything goes well, in a month I’ll be there.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?” Dan counts the popcorn he has in his hands. One, two, five, six, seven… Eight. Seven. “Dan?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.”

A sudden reverberated voice is heard, telling them to turn off their phones because the movie is about to start.

Dan can’t bring himself to care about the movie and how cheesy this all is. He steals a glance at Phil and catches him staring back, their legs and hands keep touching each other because of the popcorn and at some point, their shoulders touch and Dan has his head in the clouds. The worst part is they don’t acknowledge any of it, they smile at each other and keep “watching” the movie, it just makes him giddier. He cannot bring himself to care about anything else right now.

“How was the movie?” Ellis is visiting his family this week, his voice sounds miles away (just as it is, but the poor phone service might make it worse). 

“Great,” Dan answers as if it interested him for one second.

“Hm… What was it about?” Dan doesn’t answer this time. “God, you are the worst, loverboy.”

Dan thinks about his time with Phil, “actually, can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

“I think I made a mistake,” Ellis stays silent, so he continues. “Phil is moving into a building near mine.”

“Oh. That was… quick. I’m not judging or anything, I just--”

“No, Ellis, that’s not…” he squeezes his eyes shut. He wanted to get it out quickly, not waste Ellis’ time and be straightforward, but he was tired or anxious or God knows what. “He was already intending to move in before we met.”

“That makes more sense. Mistake, though?”

“What if I wasn’t supposed to meet him now? What if we were supposed to meet as neighbours and I fucked it up?” He had started to pace around his room, strategically avoiding the clothes on the floor.

“That would be a first in… ever. I’m sure the universe isn’t mad, I think. It brought you two together. You planned on meeting him during the weekend and he appeared out of nowhere the next day, right? I don’t think… I don’t know. That’s such a big mistake and they always teach you however you meet your soulmate is fate and… right. Whatever, you know,” Dan could tell he was trying to be logical and indirectly give Dan advice, but he knew deep down Ellis was just as emotional as him and hearing him talk like this hurt.

_ I don’t believe that.  _ “Thanks, I’ll try to not think about it too much.”

“I have to go,”  _ now? _ “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“We can still text, yeah?”

He feels like throwing a fit.  _ It’s not the same thing! It’s not, it’s not, it’s not!  _ “Yeah, we can. Say hi to your mum for me?”

“I will. See you.”

“Bye.”

The first time Phil sees his apartment he doesn’t comment on how messy it is, he goes straight to his DVDs and comments on every single one. They grow closer.

It gets better and it gets worse. Dan and Phil spend more and more time together. Phil usually comes to Dan’s house on Saturday and they watch a movie. Mostly bad ones they can laugh at, but Phil insisted on watching Titanic once and they were both crying by the end of it.

The boundaries have gone up. Dan told himself he’s waiting for a sign coming from somewhere before admitting to Phil he likes him (oh God, he really likes him), but doesn’t trust himself enough to do that while Phil is holding his hand.

Phil never forces anything and besides the Titanic situation, Dan has always pulled away and Phil has always gotten the message. It hurts, though, and he could stop it at any time, but he feels like he doesn’t belong there. Like his feelings are wrong. Like they got the person or the time wrong and if he gets too comfortable it will be all taken away from him more quickly.

He keeps Phil out of Ellis’ path at all costs, making up all excuses he can. Phil is confused and Ellis has teased him about it multiple times. The problem is: saying “the coffee shop thing idea was mine after all, right? Please, let me meet him” just made him feel worse.

Everyone has accepted Phil is now a permanent thing in Dan's life except himself and it’s not even that he doesn’t  _ want  _ to.

It’s exhausting and he’s sick of it. Kicking Phil out every night when it would be way more convenient for him to stay over, not being able to hold his hand or kiss his cheek or make a move. He wants to stop it.

Dan and Phil are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, their legs intertwined due to their height — neither of them is complaining. Phil bringing his switch this week quickly turned into a competitive evening the neighbours would surely complain about. Phil had lost and was in the middle of slurring something along the lines of “there’s going to be a rematch, Howell” when Dan realised he had never felt as peaceful as now.

They were both tired to the bone, melting until they became one with the couch, when Phil said, calmly:

“How did your parents explain soulmates to you?” and maybe Dan wasn’t the only one confused.

He thought about it for a second, “I think it was never brought up. I saw it on TV and heard about it at school but my parents never sat down and explained it with actual  _ words _ to me.”

“Is there even a definition?” Dan could feel Phil’s chuckle from the other side of the couch, but he wonders what it would feel like if he was listening to his heartbeat, cuddled into his chest.

He tries to keep those thoughts to himself, “I suppose not. Did yours explain it to you in a traditional way?”

“Not really, I mean, I heard about it all the time from everyone but no one sat down and explained it to me… Like you said. I just heard the brick thing all the time.”

“The brick thing! Exactly. I think about that all the time… I wonder if anyone has explained what soulmates are. Out of school, I mean. No textbooks.”

“Yeah, Plato’s theory… Whatever his name is. I wonder if Ellis had any kind of explanation about it. Maybe I should text him.”

Phil sat up and relaxed his body, leaning his head against the couch and watching Dan. A question, because even Dan forgot his own boundaries for a moment, how unshakeable the fear of Phil leaving his life was. He stops looking at Phil and decides not to answer.

“Is everything okay? Dan?” Phil sounds worried and upset and now Dan’s upset because he upset Phil and oh, God.

“I’m tired,” it’s a knee jerk reaction.

“Do you need me to stay here? I could look for you. Do you feel sick?”

“I’m fine, Phil. Just go home,” it hurt him. Dan saw the moment his lips got rigid and his chest got smaller. It hurts him too. He sits up. “Shoot, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just…”  _ You’re funny, kind, gorgeous and ridiculously interesting and I can’t get you out of my head but I’m paranoid the world has made a mistake. I don’t feel like I deserve you.  _ “I just--,”  _ need some time alone?  _ That’s not what he wants. “We need to talk.” 

Dan reaches down and puts his hand on Phil’s. He doesn’t pull away but doesn’t look at Dan.

Dan’s face under Phil’s jawline, his whole body relaxed but uncomfortably distant, this is the most vulnerable he’s been with Phil. Even with a heavy heart and abundant insecurity, he’s looking forward to more of this. More intimacy, more company.

He’s looking forward to more time with Phil.

Seeing him smile at him a little more weakly than the previous weeks hurts more and he almost ( _ almost _ ) kisses him to attempt to make him happier. He doesn’t, Phil deserves a better first kiss than that.

There still is insecurity all over him and it seems like it might choke him at times, but he figures his desire to be with Phil is greater than that. Now, at least, it is.

He stands up and whispers that he’s coming back. When he does, Phil is in the same position Dan has left him in. Half sitting, half laying down, with his shirt ruffled and his cheeks rosy.

“Can we talk?” 

“Sure?” he doesn’t look scared, but intrigued. “Why do you have wine?” they’ve grown comfortable and playful with each other. Whenever Dan thinks he will never be surprised by Phil again he smiles at him just a tiny bit differently and he falls in love with him all over again.

“Just thought it’d be nice,” he sits down, closer to Phil than he would normally, and places everything he was holding down. “Can we cuddle?”

Phil seems incredibly taken aback and Dan wants to laugh, “Should I be concerned about this talk?”

Dan snickers, “no. Don’t worry about it,” he takes a deep breath, rehearsing sentences over and over again inside his head. “I’m okay with it now, I want to talk about what I was-- am struggling with. Can I?”

“Of course.”

Dan opens his arms and Phil crawls into his lap. Dan kisses his shoulder and Phil’s chest expands and deflates, Dan hugs him tighter. He decides they fit together. Like a magnetic pull, like two beings who were meant to be together for eternity.

They talk for hours on end. Dan knows every possible story about Phil’s brother now and he tells him everything (every detail, every failure) that made him be so scared to lose him he thought couldn’t be with him anymore. They stayed close together the whole time, enjoying the other’s presence.

“Wine?” Phil laughs at Dan and Dan could swear he sees the tears rolling down his cheeks when he laughs, even though they’re not there.

“I genuinely don’t remember what I did during the weekends before I met you.”

“Right!? It’s kind of weird,” Dan’s voice is muffled by Phil’s neck and he can’t help but kiss his Adam’s apple.

It gets worse with the wine and the couch probably has a spot by now somewhere. Dan feels so completely relaxed, like he was meant to stay here all his life, he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t notice anything about their surroundings, actually. All he can see is Phil and the taste of wine and the possibility of tasting Phil’s lips as well.

“We shouldn’t,” he catches him staring. “We’re both tipsy.”

“We shouldn’t,” his head slumps back again and he kisses the mole right under Phil’s jawline that he’s probably kissed at least twice by now.

They fall asleep on the couch like that, between cuddles and words and kisses.

They kiss the next morning after Phil stays over for the first time.

They kiss more when Dan starts emptying multiple drawers without Phil asking him to.

And more when Christmas comes and Dan’s family laughs at every pun Phil spits out, even if it is horrendous.

There are hardships, insecurities and fights. There’s everything there should be and, unfortunately, some of the things there shouldn’t be as well, but they survive it and die unseparated and happy.

Dan feels like he belongs beside Phil (and he does).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic was incredibly fun to write and it is dedicated to joana who is an incredibly fun person to be around :D thank you for listening to me rambling and screaming about my writing and always being here, you mean so much to me and i hope something as personal as my writing helps highlight that!!!! i love you


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